i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
