I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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