If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
