Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
