Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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