that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
