Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
