I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
