I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
