I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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