omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
