He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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