I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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