i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You did what with his pubic hair?
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