So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
