I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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