YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
