Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize