i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
