My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
