Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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