Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
