I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
