i would punch a child for taco bell
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
