My nipple is on Facebook.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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