It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
