You made me cry and you don't even care
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
