The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
