Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize