i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Randomize
