the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
