I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
