I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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