I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
