Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Apparently you make a good broom.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
