come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
