the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
