I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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