I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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