i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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