Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
