I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
