drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
