I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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