ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
