I'm laying in your front yard are you home
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize