So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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