After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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