is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
