Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
it hurts more in the daytime
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
