I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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