I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
