meet me or not, i'm out of control
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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