If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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