I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
this hospital has no fireball
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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