he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
