I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
