I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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