I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
