i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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