Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
