i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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